


Like a Virgin

by TamIsMyFather



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: But highly refined crack, Community: Suitsmeme, Crack, Gen, Humor, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-08
Updated: 2012-05-08
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/400302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamIsMyFather/pseuds/TamIsMyFather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a unicorn in Harvey's office.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a Virgin

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for a prompt by whatisthismeow on the Suits meme: "Harvey is a unicorn and he just couldn't help being attracted to the cute, funny pothead he hired. Mike is a virgin after all." Filled on a technicality.

There was a unicorn in Harvey's office.

It was a beautiful sight to behold, all gleaming silver and white, its horn a three-foot spire of silvery death. Its mane and tail flowed as if in a constant wind, billowing like a warm English fog. It stood at a full 16 hands high, and when it neighed it sounded like a chorus of bells resounding through his office.

Harvey was not impressed.

“Go away,” he told it.

The unicorn pawed at the carpet, leaving scorch marks where it touched.

“I hope you can pay for that,” Harvey said, settling behind his desk. He pressed the button on his intercom. “Donna, have I been drinking this morning?”

“Yes, but there really is a unicorn in there,” she replied.

The unicorn tossed its head and glared at him. Stars sparkled in its midnight eye.

Harvey hesitated before responding. “You're _sure_ I'm not hallucinating?”

“It would explain a lot,” Donna said. “I, for one, am just too amazing to be real.”

The unicorn snorted.

“Well, what does it _want_?” Harvey asked desperately.

“Why don't you just ask it?”

“I don't speak _horse_.”

The unicorn reared up and whinnied.

“Get Mike in here,” Harvey said.

The unicorn stared at him.

Harvey stared back.

Several minutes passed.

“So,” Harvey said, drumming his fingers on the desk. “Do you want a drink?”

…

As a former pothead, Mike had a pretty high tolerance for _weird_.

Walking into Harvey's office expecting more work only to find him calmly sharing a scotch with a unicorn definitely crossed that threshold.

“Um,” he said thoughtfully.

“Mike, I have a job for you,” Harvey said.

“Is that a unicorn?” he asked dubiously. “I swear, I was not smoking any pot this morning,” he added quickly.

“I need you to find out why it's here.”

Mike stared. “Harvey, I can't talk to animals.”

Harvey frowned. “Why not?”

“I never read Doctor Dolittle,” he said. “And also because that's a _unicorn_ , and I think maybe I need some of that scotch.”

“Hands off,” Harvey said, swatting Mike's hand away. As soon as Harvey touched him, the unicorn reared and then leveled its horn at Harvey's heart. Harvey held up both hands and tried to look nonthreatening.

“I don't think he likes you,” Mike said. He turned to the unicorn. “It's okay, he's not going to do anything.”

The unicorn instantly relaxed and moved to nuzzle Mike.

“Why does he like _you_ so much?” Harvey wondered. “Is it because you're a virgin?”

“I'm not a virgin,” Mike said, exasperated. The unicorn nudged him in the side and Mike stumbled.

“Come on, Mike, don't lie in front of the unicorn,” Harvey said with a sly grin.

“Just for that, I'm naming him _Harvey_ ,” Mike said, reaching up to stroke the unicorn's mane.

“'Harvey the Unicorn'?” Donna asked. “Could I have some of that scotch, too?”

“I don't care what you call him, just get him out of my office,” Harvey said sourly.

At Harvey's angry tone, the unicorn turned and snorted dangerously in his direction. Harvey put his hands up again.

“Maybe you shouldn't make him mad,” Mike said. “He really doesn't like you.

“Probably because I'm not a virgin,” said Harvey wryly. “Now get him out of my office.”

Mike grinned. “Harvey, are you giving me a unicorn?”

Harvey gave him a scathing look. Mike took that as a sign to continue.

“I mean, first the job, and now a unicorn! It's really starting to seem like you might actually… _care_ about me.” He wiped away a pretend tear.

Harvey pointed. “Get out.”

Mike sighed. “What am I supposed to do with a unicorn?” The unicorn nipped playfully at Mike's hair.

“There's a glue factory downtown,” Harvey suggested.

Mike looked appalled. “Harvey!”

“Or you can have it replace that bike of yours,” Harvey said instead.

Donna snorted. “Oh, I'd love to see you ride to work on a unicorn.”

Mike's face turned pink. “I'm not riding a unicorn to work. Where would I even park it?”

“You could keep it in Louis's office,” said Harvey.

“How would I get it up the elevator?” Mike asked, then frowned. “Uh, how _did_ it get up the elevator?”

The unicorn rubbed its face against Mike's arm, its horn scratching into the wood of Harvey's desk.

“I gave you my scotch,” Harvey said, outraged. The unicorn bristled, but it only managed to bare its teeth before Mike reached up absentmindedly to rub its ear. The reaction was immediate; it practically sagged against Mike in rapturous joy.

“It's ruining my suit,” Mike complained.

“Oh no. What a shame. You'll have to get some new ones,” Harvey said.

The unicorn clearly took offense to Harvey's tone, because it took a protective step forward in front of Mike to glare at him.

“You sure you're not a virgin?” Harvey asked.

Mike pulled out his phone. “I will call my girlfriend _right now_.”

“Ooh, do you really want to make Harvey jealous?” Donna asked.

“I'm not jealous,” Harvey said, annoyed at the very suggestion.

“I meant the _other_ Harvey,” Donna said. “The pretty one.”

He rose from his chair. “You are not naming him Harvey.”

“I didn't. Mike did.”

Harvey rounded on Mike. “You are not naming him Harvey.”

The unicorn lowered its head and growled. Mike placed a warning hand on its neck. “Harvey, heel.” The unicorn took a step back and grew silent.

“I don't like the idea of you bossing that thing around,” Harvey said.

Mike grinned wickedly. “Harvey, _sit_.”

The unicorn remained standing, its growl deepening. Harvey grinned in triumph. “Guess it doesn't like you as much as you thought,” he crowed.

Mike raised his eyebrows. “I was talking to _you_ , actually,” he said. The unicorn was practically frothing at the mouth now.

Harvey considered his options, then sank slowly into his chair. Instantly, the unicorn calmed.

“That looked like fun,” Donna said. “Now make him dance.”

“Donna!” Harvey said.

“Oh please, you'd do it if _I_ told you to.”

“That's different,” Harvey insisted. “Mike, you're fired.”

Mike didn't even hesitate. “You can't fire me. I've got a unicorn.” The unicorn nuzzled him happily.

“I will gladly be gored by a unicorn if that is the price for firing you.”

“They could put it on your tombstone,” Donna said. “'Harvey Specter: Horny to the End.”

“Been working on that?” Harvey asked.

“A bit, yeah.”

“I will take Unicorn Harvey out of here,” Mike interrupted, “If you admit you care about something other than yourself.”

“I will not perjure myself,” Harvey said frostily. “Even if it means death by unicorn.”

“Tell the truth, then,” Mike said with a shrug. “What about Donna? Don't you care about her?”

“Yeah, Harvey,” Donna cut in. “Don't you care about me at all?”

“Donna doesn't count,” he said smoothly. “She's an extension of me.”

“Should I be offended?” Donna asked.

“Oh come on,” Mike said. “I know you must care about _something_.”

“I care about me, Mike. _Me_. Harvey.” The unicorn's ears perked up. Harvey glared at it. “No, I didn't mean _you_.” The unicorn sagged, dejected.

“I'm still kind of offended here,” Donna said.

“Enough,” Harvey said, slamming his hands on the desk as he stood. “Mike, I gave you a job to do, so _do it_ and get out of my office.”

“Fine,” Mike said acidly. “I've got a better Harvey now. He's taller than you, and he lets me ride him.”

There was a pause as Mike's face reddened. “That came out wrong,” he said weakly. Donna snickered.

“Yeah,” said Harvey, sinking back onto his chair. “Definitely a virgin.”


End file.
